This was written for a 24-hour one-act festival. We were
        assigned three actors (2M, 1F), and the surprise topic was
       "conditional devotion." 
   
   
   
        A simple set resembling the inside of an apartment. There is
        a door at stage R. The scene opens completely dark, and from
        behind the door we hear...
   
                            DASH
                  Here we are.
   
                            BETTY
                  You're sure nobody's home?
   
                            DASH
                  Yeah, I've been watching this place
                  for weeks. Nobody is ever home.
   
        Betty and Dash enter stage R door, searching with
        flashlights. They are dressed in typical black burglar
        outfits.
   
                            BETTY
                  It's completely empty!
   
                            DASH
                  Mother of dick, you're right. The
                  place has been completely cleaned
                  out. Take a better look around,
                  I'll check upstairs. [He goes
                  upstage L and exits.]
   
        Betty continues to search the stage via flashlight. Her light
        eventually finds a pair of boots up against a wall - slowly
        travels up to reveal a motionless figure. Betty screams and
        jumps back.
   
                            BETTY
                  Dash!
   
                            DASH
                  [Quickly enters from upstage L]
                  Betty, what's wrong?
   
        Betty points her flashlight at the motionless figure. Dash
        screams even louder, drops his flashlight, and runs for the
        door.
   
                            DASH (CONT'D)
                  Let's get out of here.
   
                            BETTY
                  Wait. It's not moving.
   
                            DASH
                  Well, I am. Come on.
   
                            BETTY
                  Don't be such a baby. Let's take a
                  closer look.
   
                            DASH
                  Betty, get back here!
   
        Betty disregards Dash's plea and walks towards the figure.
   
                            DASH (CONT'D)
                  Okay then, good luck with this.
                  I'll meet you back at the hideout.
                  [Waits for her to respond]
   
                            BETTY
                  I don't think it's even real. [She
                  touches its face.]
   
                            DASH
                  What do you mean?
   
                            BETTY
                  It feels weird - kind of leathery.
                  [She pushes the figure, but it
                  doesn't move] It's really solid
                  too.
   
        Dash walks towards them and runs his flashlight beam up and
        down the figure's body.
   
                            BETTY (CONT'D)
                  Hold on, I know what this is.
   
                            DASH
                  Some kind of party toy?
   
                            BETTY
                  Hardly. Turn on the light.
   
        Dash walks to the wall, and the stage lights come up. We see
        the robot, dressed in typical Russian garments, including a
        rabbit fur hat.
   
                            BETTY (CONT'D)
                  This is a robot, probably here to
                  guard the house.
   
                            DASH
                  [He looks around the empty stage]
                  Well, he's doing a hell of a job.
   
                            BETTY
                  Do you have any idea how much a
                  robot like this is worth? Let's
                  carry him out - grab hold of his
                  feet.
   
        The two try to move him, but can't.
   
                            DASH
                  Uh, next plan?
   
                            BETTY
                  Maybe we can activate him, and
                  he'll walk out on his own.
   
                            DASH
                  Okay. So how do we turn him on?
   
        They investigate the robot more closely.
   
                            BETTY
                  The power switch is probably
                  somewhere on his body.
   
        She pulls on the robot's ear, and nothing happens. Dash
        tweaks its nose, and still nothing.
   
                            DASH
                  Maybe it's like a newborn baby, and
                  is just waiting for a smack on the
                  ass.
   
        Dash spanks the robot and it suddenly opens its mouth,
        unleashing an ear-piercing screech.
   
                            DASH (CONT'D)
                  Well, that did something.
   
                            BETTY
                  Just turn it off before someone
                  hears it.
   
        Dash tries spanking it again, but the screech continues. He
        tries slapping it in other places. Nothing. Betty joins him,
        and the two frantically poke and slap and yank and punch and
        kick the robot in a panicky attempt to shut him off. Nothing
        is working. Eventually, the lights fade, the screech fades,
        and the actors freeze in their position.
   
        With the lights completely out, cue all stagehands to shuffle
        back and forth across the stage, some dragging huge props
        like couches and boxes. Include lots of murmuring and sharp,
        barely audible stage instructions. After about 8-10 seconds,
        the lights come back up, and the screech resumes. All three
        actors are in their exact position as before. The two
        unfreeze, and resume their frantic assault on the robot.
        Then, without warning, the robot suddenly stops screeching.
   
                            DASH
                  [Sarcastic] Let's do that again!
   
                            BETTY
                  Shut up. We have to think of
                  something else.
   
                            DASH
                  Maybe it's time we cut our losses
                  and just get out of here.
   
        Suddenly, the robot begins to move. He walks upstage and
        looks out the window. After a moment Betty follows him.
   
                            BETTY
                  Hello?
   
                            ROBOT
                  [Turns to her and says in a
                  classically indifferent, yet
                  strangely confident Russian accent]
                  I am Russian Robot.
   
                            DASH
                  Russian Robot, huh? Well, that
                  explains the hat.
   
                            BETTY
                  Russian Robot, we are your friends.
   
        The robot doesn't respond.
   
                            BETTY (CONT'D)
                  And, because we're friends, we want
                  to take a trip with you.
   
                            ROBOT
                  I wish you to shut the mouth.
   
        Betty and Dash look surprised.
   
                            BETTY
                  Um, wow. Okay.
   
                            DASH
                  Look pal, there's no need to be
                  rude.
   
                            ROBOT
                  Russian Robot do what please
                  Russian Robot.
   
        Dash starts to move towards the robot, but Betty holds him
        back.
   
                            BETTY
                  Okay, we're getting nowhere. We
                  have to win his trust somehow.
   
                            DASH
                  What do you have in mind?
   
        Suddenly, the robot begins emitting loud pings, and plop
        sounds.
   
                            BETTY
                  What's wrong, Russian Robot?
   
                            ROBOT
                  System… crash… functions…
                  inoperable…
   
                            DASH
                  [Sarcastic] What… you… want… us…
                  do?
   
                            BETTY
                  Dash, don't be a jerk. [She turns
                  to the robot] Tell us what to do
                  Russian Robot. We want to help you.
   
        The robot raises his arms up in a V, and rotates from his
        hips. He opens his mouth in a fixed oval, and begins emitting
        a cacophony of sounds ranging from bugles, sirens, and goose
        honks.
   
                            BETTY (CONT'D)
                  Quick Dash, think of something.
   
                            DASH
                  Uh, sure. I'll go boil some water.
   
                            ROBOT
                  Must… restart… primary… systems.
   
                            BETTY
                  How? What do we do?
   
                            ROBOT
                  Reset button located in… [Voice
                  winds down] pants.
   
        The robot's body goes limp, and he puts his head back and his
        pelvis forward.
   
                            BETTY
                  Really? Okay. Dash, you want to
                  take care of this?
   
                            DASH
                  I've told you so many times, Betty.
                  I'm never going to be comfortable
                  with that, so quit asking.
   
                            BETTY
                  This isn't the same thing, dumbass.
                  I'll just do it myself.
   
        Betty begins to reach for the robot's belt, when Dash
        suddenly grabs her hand.
   
                            DASH
                  Wait. [He takes a close look at the
                  allegedly kaput robot] I think he's
                  messing with us.
   
                            ROBOT
                  [motionless for a moment] Ha ha ha.
                  Yes, Russian Robot make big funny.
   
                            BETTY
                  That was a terrible trick, Russian
                  Robot. I was really worried. Why
                  would you do that?
   
                            ROBOT
                  I am to pass time.
   
                            DASH
                  What are you talking about?
   
                            BETTY
                  Dash, we have been here a long
                  time.  The longer we stay, the
                  greater the chance of us getting
                  caught.
   
                            DASH
                  We aren't leaving here without him.
   
                            BETTY
                  I thought you didn't care – cut our
                  losses, remember?
   
                            DASH
                  Yeah, well that was before he got
                  tricky.
   
        A police siren is heard.
   
                            DASH (CONT'D)
                  Cops!
   
                            BETTY
                  How did they know we were here?
   
                            ROBOT
                  Russian Robot is good at job.
   
                            DASH
                  You called the police?
   
                            ROBOT
                  Of course, I am security robot.
   
                            BETTY
                  This is bad. Russian Robot, you
                  have to help us.
   
                            ROBOT
                  Russian Robot prefers nyet.
   
                            DASH
                  I loathe you, Russian Robot.
   
        There is a knock at the door. From behind we hear…
   
                            POLICE
                  Police, open up.
   
                            DASH
                  Oh my god! I can't go to prison.
                  You know what they'll do to face
                  like mine? [Puts hand to mouth] My
                  pretty little mouth!
   
        Dash quickly exits through stage L door, and slams it behind
        him. One second later, he bursts back through and quickly
        covers the closed door with his body. A terrified expression
        turns to glee as he walks toward the robot. There is another
        knock at the door.
   
                            POLICE
                  We're responding to a call. Please
                  open up.
   
                            DASH
                  So, robot, interesting project you
                  got going on in the other room.
   
                            ROBOT
                  Russian Robot knows from nothing.
   
                            DASH
                  Okay then, so I guess you won't
                  mind if I just invite our friends
                  outside to come in and have a
                  little peek?
   
                            BETTY
                  Invite the cops in? Are you crazy?
   
                            DASH
                  Don't worry. This is something
                  between the robot and me. So what's
                  it going to be?
   
                            ROBOT
                  Must calculate options.
   
        Another loud knock.
   
                            POLICE
                  This is your last warning. We're
                  coming in.
   
                            DASH
                  Well?
   
        The Robot slumps, and walks to the front door.
   
                            ROBOT
                  [Heavy sigh] I am Russian Robot. No
                  need for shooting.
   
        The robot walks through the door and quickly closes it behind
        him. From offstage, we hear him say…
   
                            ROBOT (CONT'D)
                  People of enforcement. All is fine.
                  I run self-diagnostic, make big
                  false alarm.
   
        While the robot is outside, talking to the police, Betty
        approaches Dash.
   
                            BETTY
                  God, I hope this works.
   
                            DASH
                  It better work, for his sake.
   
                            BETTY
                  Why, what was in there? [She moves
                  toward the other room, but he
                  blocks the way]
   
                            DASH
                  Nightmares, Betty. Freaky robot
                  nightmares.
   
        The robot re-enters, but now wears a cop's hat instead of a
        rabbit fur hat.
   
                            ROBOT
                  Good night people of enforcement,
                  and thank you for promotion.
   
        The robot closes the door, and looks at Betty and Dash.
   
                            DASH
                  Where did you get that hat?
   
                            ROBOT
                  People of enforcement give Russian
                  Robot hat and badge.
   
                            DASH
                  They deputized you? Unbelievable.
   
                            BETTY
                  It doesn't matter. I'm just so
                  grateful, Russian Robot. I knew you
                  wouldn't turn us in.
   
                            DASH
                  He didn't do it for us.
   
                            ROBOT
                  I return to standby mode now.
   
        The robot walks back to his original place, and stands as
        still as before.
   
                            DASH
                  Not so fast, robot. Now that I know
                  about your little horror scene in
                  that room over there, I own you.
                  You're coming with us.
   
                            ROBOT
                  Russian Robot tired - stay instead.
   
                            DASH
                  Are you sure, buddy? Because I've
                  known robots that have been
                  dismantled for far less than what
                  you did in that room.
   
                            ROBOT
                  [Defeated] Okay, okay. Human win,
                  okay? Okay? Who cares? Okay?
                  Russian Robot just need one thing.
   
                            DASH
                  If you're looking for this, you can
                  forget it. [He pulls out a space
                  pistol from his pants] Yeah, I
                  found your Russian Ray Gun so don't
                  get any ideas. [Motions to the
                  front door] Now, let's go.
   
                            ROBOT
                  Ooohhh! [Storms out the front door
                  in full tantrum]
   
                            BETTY
                  Jesus, is that Russian Ray Gun
                  real?
   
                            DASH
                  I think so. It was burning my leg,
                  so I hope that means it's working.
                  Here, feel.
   
        Dash grabs Betty's hand and tries to direct it towards his
        upper thigh. She yanks her hand from his grasp.
   
                            BETTY
                  I'm not touching your leg, Dash.
   
        Fade Out.