Inspiration for this skit provided by a CNN article from
   2003, which suggested Saddam Hussein may have employed up
   to three separate look-alikes.



   Setting: A small, undecorated meeting room. RYHAED is
   standing at the front of a small table. On top of the table
   is a pitcher of water and a platter of dates. Ryhaed
   organizes his briefcase papers until NUMBER THREE walks in.

                       RYHAED
             Oh, hello Number Three.

                       NUMBER THREE
             I'm not late, am I?

                       RYHAED
             You're the first one here.

                        NUMBER THREE
             Good, I was worried the meeting may
             have been moved to three.

                       RYHAED
             No, you're right on time. The
             others should be with us shortly.

                       NUMBER THREE
             Was I suppose to bring anything...

                       RYHAED
             No, Number Three. Now please, sit
             down and help yourself to a date.

   NUMBER ONE and NUMBER TWO enter.

                       NUMBER ONE
                 (To Number Two)
             It doesn't matter what she says,
             Hamad. You're the man of the house
             and it's time you acted like it.

                       RYHAED
             Please, Number One, no real names.

                       NUMBER ONE
             Relax Ryhaed, we're alone here.

   They both sit down at the table.

                       RYHAED
             I don't care. You shouldn't even
             know each other's real names. From
             now on, numbers only. Understand?

                       NUMBER ONE
             Sure, Ryhaed. Boy, you're so tense
             these days.

                       RYHAED
             For good reason, which I'll explain
             now that we're all here. I'd like
             to start with that CNN report.
             We've been sloppy guys, and they're
             on to us. To make matters worse,
             I've received word from up top that
             He is not happy. We've got to clean
             up our act, otherwise... Well, I
             don't have to tell you.  

   They look uneasy as Ryhaed hands them each a small package.

                       NUMBER TWO
             I'm not aware of any CNN report. 

                       RYHAED
             It's in your package, Number Two.
             You'll also find a video disc with
             footage from each of your last
             twelve public appearances. I've
             isolated a few key inconsistencies
             between your performances and
             compared them to old footage of
             Him. I expect you to study these
             films and make the necessary
             changes. We can't afford this to
             spiral out of control. The public
             can never learn of you three.

                       NUMBER THREE
             What do you mean, inconsistencies?

                       RYHAED
             Little things, like how you walk.
             At Tuesday's neighborhood walk, you
             pointed your feet outward the whole
             time. Don't worry, Number Three.
             I've noticed this problem with all
             of you. Just remember, keep those
             toes pointed in. I can't stress
             that enough.

                       NUMBER TWO
             Right, toes in. Got it.

                       RYHAED
             And number Two, you have to stop
             tapping the table at meetings. I've
             counted 23 taps so far today and at
             last week's Civil meeting, I
             thought you were hammering out a
             concerto on the desk.

                       NUMBER ONE
             For Allah's sake, Ryhaed. Why can't
             you be nicer?

                       RYHAED
             I'm trying to save this program,
             but we need to work together. I
             know this is difficult work and
             these are sensitive issues. For
             example, your weight Number One. 

                       NUMBER ONE
             What about my weight?

                       RYHAED
             You've put on a few pounds.

                       NUMBER ONE
             Yeah well, my wife is depressed and
             when she's depressed, she cooks.
             There's pies all over my house.

                       RYHAED
             From now on, lay off the pies. That
             goes for everybody. No pies.

                       NUMBER ONE
             She makes a chocolate lime with a
             crust that floats on air.

                       RYHAED
             I don't care, Number One. You have
             a big military parade on the fifth
             and He can't be fat from pies.

                       NUMBER ONE
             Fine, no pies. This job just gets
             better and better.

                       RYHAED
             Okay, so coming up, we have two
             neighborhood walks and a military
             parade. Number One, you take the
             parade. Number Two and Three, you
             each take a walk.

                       NUMBER THREE
             I'd like to take the parade.

                       RYHAED
             Sorry, Number Three. You're not
             ready.

                       NUMBER ONE
             Let the kid have the parade. 

                       NUMBER THREE
             I know I can do it.

                       RYHAED
             Maybe next year. For now, I need
             you for the Harthiya walk.

                       NUMBER THREE
             Harthiya? Where is that again?

                       RYHAED
             It's past the arena, just across
             from the Grand Bazaar.
                 (Hands Number Three a map)
             Here, I've mapped it out for you.

                       NUMBER THREE
                 (Lovingly)
             Who's the best?

                       NUMBER TWO
             That's why he gets the big bucks.

                       RYHAED
             Stop it you guys.

   The meeting starts to deteriorate until Number One regains
   the group's focus.

                       NUMBER ONE
             So, what's this I keep hearing
             about a new guy?

                       RYHAED
             I was just getting to that. He has
             decided to increase His public
             appearances, so yes, we are
             bringing another guy on board. 

                       NUMBER ONE
             Well, where is this guy?

                       RYHAED
             Number Four is recovering from his
             fifth operation and will probably
             be available next month.

                       NUMBER ONE
             In time for the Ba'ath Day rush?

                       RYHAED
             That's what we're hoping.

   A collective sigh of relief.

                       RYHAED (CONT'D)
             Of course, nobody gets any time off
             in July so don't make any plans.
                 (Pause)
             Alright, I guess that's it. You all
             have your assignments and schedule.
             Are there any last questions?

                       NUMBER THREE
             I have one. For the Peace Day
             reception, do I have to shoot a
             rifle into the air?

                       RYHAED
             Yes Number Three, you have to shoot
             a rifle at each appearance. The
             public expects it.

   Number Two grumbles.

                       RYHAED
             I know, it makes my job harder too.
             We can thank Number One for this.

                       NUMBER ONE
             Look, it was the Revolution
             Anniversary parade and somebody
             handed me a rifle, so I shot if off
             a couple of times. It was right for
             the moment. How was I to know it
             would catch on like this?

                       RYHAED
             That's exactly why we discourage
             improvisation. Stick to the script,
             guys. It's easier that way. 
                 (Pause)
             Oh, I almost forget. Here's the
             moustache specs for the next two
             months. Be sure your moustaches
             match the design for each event. 
                 (To Number Three)
             Number Two, you need to start
             growing yours now.

                       NUMBER TWO
             Hey, I'm Number Two.

                       RYHAED
             Yes, I'm sorry. You all just look
             so alike.

                       NUMBER ONE
             That's why we should use names.

                       RYHAED
             I'm not having that conversation
             again. 

                       NUMBER ONE
             We don't have to use real names.

                       RYHAED
                 (Ignoring Number One)
             About your moustache, Number Two.
             The fake one just won't work.

                       NUMBER TWO
             I really prefer not to grow one.

                       RYHAED
             What's the problem, Number Two?

                       NUMBER TWO
             My wife doesn't like moustaches.
             She won't really kiss me with one.

                       RYHAED
             That's not my concern, Number Two.
             You have to grow a moustache, it's
             that simple.
                 (Pause)
             I think we're done.
             Have a great week and remember when
             you're out there, really lose
             yourself in the role. You are the
             face of this nation so be strong,
             exact and above all, consistent.
             Good luck, and I'll see you all
             next week.

   The three Husseins get up and exit, leaving Ryhaed alone in
   the office. Lights out.

                          END