Inspiration for this skit provided by a CNN article from
2003, which suggested Saddam Hussein may have employed up
to three separate look-alikes.
Setting: A small, undecorated meeting room. RYHAED is
standing at the front of a small table. On top of the table
is a pitcher of water and a platter of dates. Ryhaed
organizes his briefcase papers until NUMBER THREE walks in.
Oh, hello Number Three.
I'm not late, am I?
You're the first one here.
Good, I was worried the meeting may
have been moved to three.
No, you're right on time. The
others should be with us shortly.
Was I suppose to bring anything...
No, Number Three. Now please, sit
down and help yourself to a date.
NUMBER ONE and NUMBER TWO enter.
(To Number Two)
It doesn't matter what she says,
Hamad. You're the man of the house
and it's time you acted like it.
Please, Number One, no real names.
Relax Ryhaed, we're alone here.
They both sit down at the table.
I don't care. You shouldn't even
know each other's real names. From
now on, numbers only. Understand?
Sure, Ryhaed. Boy, you're so tense
For good reason, which I'll explain
now that we're all here. I'd like
to start with that CNN report.
We've been sloppy guys, and they're
on to us. To make matters worse,
I've received word from up top that
He is not happy. We've got to clean
up our act, otherwise... Well, I
don't have to tell you.
They look uneasy as Ryhaed hands them each a small package.
I'm not aware of any CNN report.
It's in your package, Number Two.
You'll also find a video disc with
footage from each of your last
twelve public appearances. I've
isolated a few key inconsistencies
between your performances and
compared them to old footage of
Him. I expect you to study these
films and make the necessary
changes. We can't afford this to
spiral out of control. The public
can never learn of you three.
What do you mean, inconsistencies?
Little things, like how you walk.
At Tuesday's neighborhood walk, you
pointed your feet outward the whole
time. Don't worry, Number Three.
I've noticed this problem with all
of you. Just remember, keep those
toes pointed in. I can't stress
Right, toes in. Got it.
And number Two, you have to stop
tapping the table at meetings. I've
counted 23 taps so far today and at
last week's Civil meeting, I
thought you were hammering out a
concerto on the desk.
For Allah's sake, Ryhaed. Why can't
you be nicer?
I'm trying to save this program,
but we need to work together. I
know this is difficult work and
these are sensitive issues. For
example, your weight Number One.
What about my weight?
You've put on a few pounds.
Yeah well, my wife is depressed and
when she's depressed, she cooks.
There's pies all over my house.
From now on, lay off the pies. That
goes for everybody. No pies.
She makes a chocolate lime with a
crust that floats on air.
I don't care, Number One. You have
a big military parade on the fifth
and He can't be fat from pies.
Fine, no pies. This job just gets
better and better.
Okay, so coming up, we have two
neighborhood walks and a military
parade. Number One, you take the
parade. Number Two and Three, you
each take a walk.
I'd like to take the parade.
Sorry, Number Three. You're not
Let the kid have the parade.
I know I can do it.
Maybe next year. For now, I need
you for the Harthiya walk.
Harthiya? Where is that again?
It's past the arena, just across
from the Grand Bazaar.
(Hands Number Three a map)
Here, I've mapped it out for you.
Who's the best?
That's why he gets the big bucks.
Stop it you guys.
The meeting starts to deteriorate until Number One regains
the group's focus.
So, what's this I keep hearing
about a new guy?
I was just getting to that. He has
decided to increase His public
appearances, so yes, we are
bringing another guy on board.
Well, where is this guy?
Number Four is recovering from his
fifth operation and will probably
be available next month.
In time for the Ba'ath Day rush?
That's what we're hoping.
A collective sigh of relief.
Of course, nobody gets any time off
in July so don't make any plans.
Alright, I guess that's it. You all
have your assignments and schedule.
Are there any last questions?
I have one. For the Peace Day
reception, do I have to shoot a
rifle into the air?
Yes Number Three, you have to shoot
a rifle at each appearance. The
public expects it.
Number Two grumbles.
I know, it makes my job harder too.
We can thank Number One for this.
Look, it was the Revolution
Anniversary parade and somebody
handed me a rifle, so I shot if off
a couple of times. It was right for
the moment. How was I to know it
would catch on like this?
That's exactly why we discourage
improvisation. Stick to the script,
guys. It's easier that way.
Oh, I almost forget. Here's the
moustache specs for the next two
months. Be sure your moustaches
match the design for each event.
(To Number Three)
Number Two, you need to start
growing yours now.
Hey, I'm Number Two.
Yes, I'm sorry. You all just look
That's why we should use names.
I'm not having that conversation
We don't have to use real names.
(Ignoring Number One)
About your moustache, Number Two.
The fake one just won't work.
I really prefer not to grow one.
What's the problem, Number Two?
My wife doesn't like moustaches.
She won't really kiss me with one.
That's not my concern, Number Two.
You have to grow a moustache, it's
I think we're done.
Have a great week and remember when
you're out there, really lose
yourself in the role. You are the
face of this nation so be strong,
exact and above all, consistent.
Good luck, and I'll see you all
The three Husseins get up and exit, leaving Ryhaed alone in
the office. Lights out.