March 2008

In the winter of 2008, I wrote over 300 object descriptions in roughly six weeks. Descriptions had to be G-rated, not imply any gameplay, and be between 35-45 words each. The following is a ten percent sample of this work.



Syntactic End Table

End tables are like periods at the end of your furniture sentence, and we all know good grammar is important. So punctuate your patio today with the Syntactic End Table Ė perfect for ending those run-on outdoor furniture arrangements.


Sofa LE

The Sofa LE offers nearly all of the features seen in complete sofas, but at a slightly lesser cost. Basic sofa functionality is available to users, however, some of the more advanced comfort features have been locked out.


Clean-Wave Streetlight

The duality of light as both particle and wave has always stymied lamp makers. Then scientists discovered a way to filter out the particles, making possible the Clean-Wave Streetlight. Finally, a lamp that wonít litter your yard with pesky particle matter.


Hard Knocks Streetlight

Light on the street can be hard. Every day, flickers and glares struggle just to be seen. But the Hard Knocks Streetlight knows how to shine. Its wattage pierces the surrounding light pollution, creating an unflattering ambience common to overhead lighting.


Luz Lenta

Life moves at a slower pace with the Luz Lenta table lamp. In fact, so does the light. Clocked at just under 166,000 mps, the light might take a little longer to reach you, but rest assured it's well worth the wait.


Freedom Fence

Those who sacrifice liberty for security deserve the Freedom Fence. Standing at exactly 1776mm tall, or close to it, this patriotic enclosure reminds your neighbors that they can take your yard, but they can never take your Freedom Fence!


VIP Rope Fence

Velvet ropes have a long tradition of separating the hipsters from the dullards, a condescending process that gives ultimate power to the rope keeper. Now, the VIP Rope Fence gives that power to you. With the VIP, turning people away is its own reward.


Shout Out Shutters

The makers of Shout Out Shutters want to give boisterous recognition to their dear friends June Bug, Fat Seth, and Dr. Hung. They also wish to express pride in their respective neighborhoods. Word to them all.


Case Closed Coffee Table

In the groundbreaking case of Coffee vs. Table, it was ruled that all coffee tables must adhere to certain standards of quality and elegance. Is the Case Closed coffee table in violation of this statute? The jury is in and the verdict is... not guilty.


Literal Coffee Table

It was bound to happen. The Literal Coffee Table is the first coffee table made from 100% pure mountain-grown coffee. Each bean is hand-picked and pressed into table form, while still keeping the freshness locked inside.


Crazy Gradyís Trash Compactor

Crazy Gradyís Trash Compactor makes big trash small. And his plans for next yearís new Trash Expander model promises to make small trash big. So whatever your trash re-sizing needs may be, think Crazy Grady. Heíll be glad you did.


Bracken Living Room Chair

Early American craftsmen, Nonnel Bracken, made his name by crafting the finest chairs west of the Pecos. Apparently, the east Pecos market was just too saturated with quality furniture for Bracken to be competitive.


Fjord Vaguester

The Fjord Vaguester is the premier car for socialites who donít care about specs. It has some horse power, and does zero to 60 in seconds. It also gets gas mileage on the highway Ė a little less in the city.


The Great Egress

Circus tycoons were famous for ushering their bumpkin audiences out of the big top with promises of showing them the Great Egress. This arch doorway harkens to that tradition, a simpler time when most people didnít understand fancy words like "egress."


Shut-In Treadmill

If strolling through your neighborhood and interacting with the world around you holds little appeal, then consider a Shut-In Treadmill. It offers 47 indistinguishable settings, and instills in its users all the dignity of a caged rodent on a hamster wheel.


The Coop

When privacy matters, think of the Coop toilet stall. With scent-absorbing walls, the Coop guarantees that whatever odors occur in the bathroom, stay in the bathroom. Plus, its oversized dimensions accommodate even the widest stance.



When Red Kerplop told people his idea for a powdered door, they laughed and said it couldnít be done. Years later, Kerplopís simple "add water and stir" Insta-Door is a best seller. Note: Door arrives totally hydrated and requires no additional assembly.


Stage Five Staircase

There are five stages to staircase ownership: From denial to depression, itís not a pretty journey. But eventually you arrive at acceptance, and when that happens, Stage Five Staircases will be waiting.


The Mavis Fireplace

The Mavis Fireplace is named after Mavis, the Norse god of fireplaces. His legendary hearth was said to be forged from the lavas of the Earthís core. This current model is manufactured similarly, but with more environmental restrictions.


Hank & Pank Microwave

Youíll have more time for misbehaving once you start microwaving. And the Hank & Pank Microwave is a real mischief-enabler. Its refurbished magnetron makes cooking a breeze, giving you plenty of time to play those puckish pranks youíve been putting off.


Immoderate Water Fountain

Water fountains add an air of aristocracy to any yard, which is fine during times of decadent opulence. But when the revolution comes, overt excesses like the Immoderate Water Fountain may be commandeered for the public good, so buyer beware.


Beauty Box

Cosmetic buffs may recognize the Beauty Box as similar to the makeup tray used by legendary vaudeville performer, Peaches La Rue. Peaches used makeup to hide the fact she was actually a gorilla, and not the alluring comedienne audiences assumed her to be.


Superfluous Window

Nothing is less important than the Superfluous Window. Made from gratuitously treated glass wrapped in an inessential frame, the Superfluous Window makes a beautifully unnecessary addition to any wall.


Window Wizard

Ever since you were a young child, you pined for glass and pane. Searched for the perfect window, but your efforts were in vain. And then you found the Wizard, it was obvious to know. That wide sheet of plate glass sure is a mean window.


Ye Olde Window

Verily, the lords and ladies of Ye Old Window Mill doth bestow upon us a new window most comely and faire. And when spring showers do wet the stalwart frame, rejoice, for Ye Olde Window shall protect and keep the rains at bay.


Window in a Can

Innovations in canning and window technology made the canned window an inevitability. Since that fateful day, there have been numerous knockoffs, but nothing compares to the original Window in a Can. Anything else is just canned window.


Giraffe Family Portrait

This heartwarming portrait of the Giraffe family was completed just days before Mother Giraffe was abducted by a traveling circus for her trapeze talents. Her career may be soaring, but her heart still longs for the family she was forced to leave behind.



As a suffix, "gate" has become synonymous with scandal. But when the actual Gate scandal of 2005 was dubbed "Gate-Gate," the trend was eventually dropped. Now, Gate-Gate stands for quality gating, and not that unfortunate business from back in í05.


Stock Mirror

After centuries of research, the mystery of the modern mirror has finally been solved. Contrary to expert opinion, mirrors are not forged from dark magic, but are actually made from a chemical reduction of silver nitrate onto glass. Go figure.


New-Fashioned Cabinet Island

The word cabinet comes from the Greek word "cabnos," which loosely translates to "kitchen locker." Itís this kind of historic misinformation that the manufacturers of New-Fashioned cabinets rely on to market their wildly popular kitchen products.


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