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The ZITTS By Jason Heffel & Jason Davis |
1 INT. MEDICINE CABINET 1
Scene begins with an open medicine cabinet. Inside, the
shelves are covered with filthy sundries, some of which are
cracked or leaking. Each major product has a credit written
on it and after a moment, the mirrored door closes to reveal
a regular guy plagued by terrible acne. He sighs and turns
his face slightly as the camera zooms in on a particularly
nasty cluster of pimples gathered around the corner of his
mouth. The pimples grow larger and more detailed until we
can clearly see four teenage zit girls; MABEL, CHARLENE,
PATTY and ROSA.
2 EXT: HAZY AREA NEAR THE MOUTH 2
Mabel is the fattest and stands in the back. Charlene and
Patty stand on either side of her. They are all similar in
appearance, except Patty, who wears glasses (glasses for zits
involves two strands of hair, one wrapped around each eye to
resemble eyeglasses). Rosa is the most feminine, with big
round eyes and a tasteful ponytail.
PATTY
This face is so boring. There
aren't any hot guys at Pimpleton
High.
ROSA
There's a couple of cute clusters,
Patty.
MABEL
What do you girls think of
Professor Poppel?
PATTY
Oh, that guy? I hear he has a
shriveled, little sebum.
CHARLENE
What guy doesn't?
MABEL
You know what they say, the smaller
the sebum...
PATTY
(Mocking confirmation)
Yeah, the smaller the sebum.
The girls kind of laugh, while Rosa turns red.
MABEL
Look, we're making Rosa blush.
CHARLENE
Leave her alone, Mabel.
(Turns to Rosa)
Rosa, I think it's perfectly fine
you haven't been with a boy.
ROSA
I just haven't found the right zit
yet.
MABEL
Right zit, wrong zit... Deep down,
they're all the same in the dark.
The music swells as the camera slowly zooms in on Rosa
ROSA
Not for me. I want more than
that... I want poetry, chivalry,
love.
The camera pans away from the girls and reveals JACK ZITT,
concealed behind the outer rim of a nostril.
2a EXT: OUTER NOSTRIL RIM 2a
Jack makes a variety of funny faces as he eavesdrops on the
girl's conversation.
ROSA (CONT'D) (V.O.)
Someone playful and confident, who
isn't afraid to show his feelings
and speak from the core. I'll know
from our first kiss if he is the
right zit. It will be a special
kiss, filled with explosive
passion.
Jack, noticeably excited, decides he's heard enough and
approaches the girls. When he gets close enough to them, he
strikes a pose and clears his throat. Rosa is the first to
notice.
2b EXT: HAZY AREA NEAR MOUTH 2b
ROSA (CONT'D)
Oh my! Jack Zitt, is that you?
JACK
In the flesh.
MABEL
Wow, you've really filled up.
PATTY
And out.
Mabel, Charlene and Patty all giggle, while Rosa looks
embarrassed.
JACK
Thank you ladies, and might I say
you all look simply pimply today.
The girls giggle flirt, while Jack turns to look directly at
Rosa.
JACK (CONT'D)
Especially you, Rosa. Can we
speak... alone?
Rosa turns to look at the girls who nod encouragingly.
ROSA
Uh, sure.
JACK
Ladies.
MABEL & PATTY
(Flirtingly)
Bye Jack!
Rosa heads towards Jack and they move off together, while the
camera stays on the other three girls.
PATTY
Jack is one pimple past perfect;
he hardly noticed me.
MABEL
Can you blame him? Face facts
Patty, you're ugly.
CHARLENE
Ugly like a pox.
Patty is a little hurt by Mabel's honesty and doesn't notice
Charlene's compliment and longing gaze. However, Mabel takes
notice and grunts disgustingly.
MABEL
God damn Charlene, how much dyke
can fit into one zit?
CUT TO:
2c EXT: HAZY AREA NEAR MOUTH 2c
Jack and Rosa are moving slowly together. There is a small,
awkward tension between them.
JACK
I'm glad we bumped into each other,
Rosa. I'd like to take you out
tonight.
Rosa blushes and flutters her eyelids.
ROSA
You would?
JACK
Of course. The back neck vista
promises to be breathtaking.
ROSA
Yeah, I hear the sweat vapors are
spectacular.
JACK
I'll pick you up this evening then?
ROSA
That sounds lovely.
JACK
And who knows, those vapors are
notoriously arousing.
ROSA
Jack Zitt, you better quit while
you're a head.
Off Jack's coy grin...
CUT TO:
3 INT. ZITT FAMILY AREA 3
Jack is preparing for the big date. He bends over and rubs
his head against the skin ground in a vain attempt to lay a
few, yet stubborn hairs down flat. His little brother OWEN
is heard giggling off-screen.
OWEN (V.O.)
Hey lady killer, what did you do
with my brother?
Jack turns around and confronts Owen.
JACK
Shut up, zit for brains.
OWEN
You're such a boil. Why do you
have get so sore?
JACK
I don't have time for you.
(Whining yell)
Pop, Owen is irritating me!
OWEN
No seriously, you look good...
Except for that stuff on your face.
Owen leans in as if to point out something on Jack's face.
JACK
What stuff?
Jack leans in trustingly towards Owen, who bends forward and
exposes the top of his head. Owen quickly reaches up with
both arms and squeezes the top of his head, until a big,
sloppy dollop of pus shoots out and hits Jack in the head and
face.
JACK (CONT'D)
Aarrgh!
OWEN
That stuff.
Owen staggers slightly.
OWEN (CONT'D)
Whoa, that took a lot out of me. I
feel a little white headed.
Jack reaches for his head and feels the sticky pus. He pulls
his hands away and sees the strands of mucus connecting from
his head. With this, he fully realizes how gross his
situation is and starts to gag.
JACK
Oh my gawd... (Gurgles)
Just then, POP enters the scene.
POP
Is there a problem here?
Owen begins to glide away.
OWEN
Other than Jack being covered in my
own curdled pus? No. Now if you'll
excuse me, I have a meeting with a
very important freckle.
Owen quickly exists the scene before Jack or Pop can respond.
POP
That Owen, always the little
squirt.
Pop turns to Jack, who wipes away the last of the pus and
composes himself.
POP (CONT'D)
You okay son?
JACK
(Hand in fist)
Yeah. If I wasn't so late, I would
have smacked me some acne.
POP
Now Jack, that's just Owen being
Owen.
Jack resumes struggling with his stubborn hair and sighs.
POP (CONT'D)
Another big date?
JACK
Yeah Pop, and this one oozes in all
the right places.
Jack winks at his Pop, who gleams back with creepy pride.
POP
That's my boy. Yeah, I've popped a
few pips in my day too.
Pop flashes Jack a knowing wink, then suddenly assumes a
fatherly tone and leans in to address Jack more seriously.
POP (CONT'D)
Just don't be rash and do anything
that might blemish our good family
name or I'll burst you upside the
head.
A sly smile spreads across Pop's face. A phone rings from
off screen.
MOM (V.O.)
It's for you dear.
POP
Son of a Cyst! That better not be
those damn white heads from the
Molmon Pimplenacle.
Off Pop Zitt's frustrated expression...
CUT TO:
4 EXT. ROSA'S HOUSE 4
A big zit house stands in the back as Jack enters the scene.
He's holding a small, multi-colored bouquet of hairs, which
is intended as a gift for Rosa. He looks a little nervous as
he walks towards the house. When he gets to the door, cut to
his hand pressing a small zit doorbell. The doorbell zit
pops and soon after, the door opens, revealing ROSA'S FATHER.
He's big, intimidating and looks a little annoyed.
JACK
Hello sir, my name is Jack. I'm
here for your daughter, Rosa.
ROSA'S FATHER
Hi Jack, Rosa will be with us
shortly. Now here's the deal; if
she's not home by midnight...
Jack interrupts with a Ferris Bueller like respectful
coolness.
JACK
You'll squeeze off my head?
ROSA'S FATHER
That's right. And then I'll feed
what's left to the blister pigs.
The camera quickly pans to the right, revealing a sty of
hideous blister pigs. Cut back to Jack, who gulps slightly
just as Rosa enters the scene from behind the door.
ROSA
Hi Jack, sorry I'm late.
JACK
That's okay.
Rosa's Father grunts as Jack lifts the hair bouquet and
offers it to Rosa
JACK (CONT'D)
These are for you.
ROSA
Oh, they're lovely. Here daddy, be
a dear and put these in oil for me.
Rosa hands her father the hairs and kisses him on the cheek.
ROSA (CONT'D)
Bye, see you tonight.
Rosa's father grunts again and watches the couple move away
from the house, hand in hand.
CUT TO:
4a EXT. VARIOUS SETTINGS 4a
The date montage starts with Jack and Rosa coming across a
nasty pockmark.
They stop and Jack pulls the skin from the edge of the pock
over the chasm, creating a bridge of skin for Rosa to move
across. In the background is a theater marquee with the
movie title, "The Pocky Pore Picture Show."
CUT TO:
4b EXT. MALT SHOP 4b
Jack and Rosa are squatting opposite one another. Other zit
couples and loners are scattered around them, enjoying the
confections. Jack and Rosa stare into each other's eyes,
while sharing the same shake (two straws stuck into a skin
hole).
CUT TO:
4c EXT. OIL SLICK LAKE 4c
Jack and Rosa are walking along an oil slick when Jack bends
over and picks up a skin fleck. He throws the fleck into the
oil. Cut to far away shot of the couple as the fleck skips
across the slick and towards the camera. The couple pauses
and then resumes their walk.
CUT TO:
4d EXT. ZIT CARNIVAL 4d
Jack and Rosa are at a carnival, Jack is playing a dart game.
He throws his dart at a board covered with zit balloons and
pops one, thus winning a live pet face mite (on a leash) from
a crusty old CARNEY. The Carney is a half popped zit with
only one eye and a thick scab on top of his head. Jack is
delighted with his accomplishment and proudly gives the
cuddly critter to Rosa, who accepts the gift graciously. Off
her expression...
CUT TO:
5 EXT. BACK NECK VISTA 5
Camera is behind Jack and Rosa, who are sitting together and
staring out into the vista. It slowly zooms in as the
following dialogue is spoken.
JACK (V.O.)
I really had a great time tonight.
ROSA (V.O.)
Oh, me too. Everything was swell.
The camera is done zooming and cuts to a close-up of Rosa's
face looking out into the view. The cute little face mite is
on her lap, cooing and purring as she absentmindedly pets it.
ROSA (CONT'D)
Wow Jack, you were right. This
view is gorgeous.
Jack turns and stares deep into Rosa's eyes.
JACK
Yes, it warms the very cream of my
soul...
(Pauses knowingly)
Fills me with an...explosive
passion...
Jack looks up and away from Rosa as he recites the Emily
Dickinson poem, "There's a Certain Slant of Light".
JACK (CONT'D)
Heavenly Hurt, it gives us - We can
find no scar. But internal
difference, where the Meanings are.
Rosa appears taken by Jack's charms and swoons obviously.
ROSA
Jack, that's beautiful.
JACK
Rosa?
Jack turns back around to look deeply into Rosa's eyes again.
ROSA
Yes Jack?
JACK
I've never felt this way before.
You aren't like all the other zits.
You're beauty is more than skin
deep.
Rosa is overwhelmed by Jack's sincerity.
ROSA
Oh Jack!
Jack makes his move and leans in to kiss Rosa. Jack puckers
his lips and closes his eyes.
They kiss for a brief moment before two huge thumbs come down
from the sky and firmly put the squeeze on Rosa. At first,
Jack doesn't notice and continues to kiss her with his eyes
closed. She moans from the squeezing, which Jack mistakes as
passion. Suddenly, Rosa breaks away from the kiss long
enough to scream for help.
ROSA (CONT'D)
Aaagh! Jack, help me!
Jack realizes what's going on and has a brief moment of pure
panic. He says nothing as the fingers prove too strong for
Rosa and she violently pops, covering Jack in pubescent pus.
JACK
(Street Car)
Rosa!
The camera slowly zooms away from Jack, showing Rosa's
bloody, oozing stump and the cuddly face mite running in
circles, yapping like a Mexican dog and dragging it's leash
behind it. Off this scene...
THE END
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