mess
bios
writings
THE ZITTS
EPISODE TWO: FAMILY CRISIS
1 INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE 1
Open to the inside of a clean and orderly doctor's medicine
cabinet with the credits written on various shelved items.
The cabinet door closes and the mirror reveals RAUL, sitting
topless on an examination table. His face, shoulders, chest
and neck are all covered with zits. DOCTOR HONEYROSE, a
middle-aged French Canadian dermatologist, enters looking at
a chart. He initially doesn't look at Raul.
DOCTOR HONEYROSE
(Studying the chart)
Hmmm. Uh huh. Ah.
Doctor Honeyrose looks up from the chart and notices Raul for
the first time. His face is undeniably shocked.
DOCTOR HONEYROSE (CONT'D)
Zit Alor! What happened to you,
eh?
RAUL
What?
Doctor Honeyrose composes himself and assumes his normal,
professional demeanor.
DOCTOR HONEYROSE
Nothing, nothing. So, what brings
you in today?
RAUL
Have you not eyes, sir? I'm
covered in beastly acne!
DOCTOR HONEYROSE
Bien sur. Now, let's have a look.
Doctor Honeyrose leans in to examine Raul more closely.
DOCTOR HONEYROSE (CONT'D)
Hmmm. It may be time for drastic
measures. Let's freeze a few and
see if that helps, eh?
RAUL
Will it hurt?
DOCTOR HONEYROSE
I should hope so. Now, hold still.
The doctor brandishes his sci-fi freeze gun and leans in with
a magnifying glass to examine the zits closely. The camera
follows his P.O.V. It zooms in to reveal JACK and his little
brother OWEN.
CUT TO:
2 INT. ZITT FAMILY AREA 2
Owen is alone, looking at Jack's Play-Boil magazine. He's
staring at a seductive, busty pimple centerfold.
OWEN
(To himself)
Those can't be real.
JACK (O.S.)
Owen, you little abscess. Get out
of here!
Jack enters as Owen quickly turns around and blatantly hides
the magazine behind his back.
OWEN
(Startled)
Jack! Sorry, I was just leaving.
JACK
Wait. What's behind your back?
OWEN
Skin.
JACK
That's funny. Show me right now or
I'll tear you a new stoma.
OWEN
Jack, you don't have the pustules
to back those words up.
Jack foams with anger as he moves towards Owen. There is a
crazy look in his eyes, which prompts Owen to slowly back up.
OWEN (CONT'D)
Calm down man. Did Rosa give you
Mad Scab's Disease or something?
Jack screams and lunges at Owen and they wrestle as only zits
can. During the scuffle, the Play-Boil magazine is ripped,
causing Jack to bulge, pulse, twitch and shake with anger.
In one swift motion, he grabs Owen's body and begins to
squeeze voraciously.
JACK
Let's get ready to rupture!
Just then, POP and MOM burst into the room.
POP
Wart the hell? Jack, get off your
brother now!
Pop moves in and breaks up the fight. Jack quickly grabs the
ripped magazine and throws it out of sight. Meanwhile, Owen
scoots to his mother's side, pretending to be scared.
OWEN
He was going to pop me, Mom.
MOM
Oh baby, come here.
Owen and Mom hug, while Pop moves in close to address Jack.
POP
I'm disappointed in you Jack. You
know how dangerous it is to give
someone the hard squeeze.
JACK
I would never actually pop Owen.
MOM
We know honey, but it frightens us
when you break out so violently.
JACK
It wasn't my fault. Owen was
poking through my stuff again.
OWEN
And what exactly did I find, Jack?
All three look to Jack and anticipate his answer.
JACK
That's not important. God, you
guys always take his side.
POP
We're not taking sides, Jack.
MOM
We're just concerned.
JACK
Concern yourself with Owen. He's
turning into a complete carbuncle.
OWEN
(Insincere)
How can you say such a thing when I
love you so much, brother?
Mom continues to coddle Owen, as Jack grows more irate. He
looks at his family with detached eyes.
JACK
This is bull-zit! We go through
this all the time and nothing
changes. I'm a stranger to you
both.
Jack's pitch continues to climb, as Pop and Mom both look a
bit surprised by their son's sudden show of passion.
JACK (CONT'D)
You don't even know who I am.
MOM
Now son, don't be like this. You
know we love...
Jack is hysterical now, shouting with genuine teenage angst.
JACK
No, it's true. Neither of you know
Jack Zitt!
Jack bursts into tears and storms off screen. Pop starts to
follow, but then stops before yelling.
POP
Don't know you? I remember when
you were just a clog in your
mother's pore!
A door slams off screen as Jack leaves in a fit. Off the
family's expressions...
CUT TO:
3 EXT. ZIT PUBLIC AREA 3
A furious Jack is scooting absently along, his face more red
than usual. The sky is hazy and in the background corner sits
the mountainous half nostril called Mt. Nostro.
JACK
God, I hate my family. I wish they
were dead.
Soon after, Jack unknowingly bumps into the group of girls;
MABEL, PATTY, and CHARLENE.
MABEL
Hi Jack, what's got your head so
flushed?
JACK
Huh? Oh, hi girls. I'm just...
PATTY
(To the girls)
He must still be upset about Rosa.
JACK
No Patty, it's just family stuff.
CHARLENE
(Hopefully)
Gay family stuff?
MABEL
Put a pock in it, Charlene.
Mabel flashes Charlene a look of annoyance and then turns a
more nurturing cheek to Jack.
MABEL (CONT'D)
Jack if you ever need to just
blotch, my place is always open.
JACK
I might take you up on that, Mabel.
WALLACE (V.O.)
You couldn't handle a big mama zit
like her.
Jack turns around to find the notorious Blackhead gang;
WALLACE, WASHINGTON, WAYNE and WABINSKI all descending upon
him. The girls gasp and giggle with a sort of aroused fear.
Wallace is plagued with the classic Napoleon complex to the
extent that he obsessively shoves his right hand into a small
flap on his chest. Wayne and Wabinski look similar to one
another and Washington towers over them all.
MABEL
He's bound to be better than you
were, Wallace.
Mabel bobs her head like,'you go girl' while everyone 'oohs'.
WASHINGTON
Damn Wallace, that's three
emasculations today.
Wallace flashes Washington a threatening lazy eye, which
causes Washington to withdraw. Wallace then slowly turns his
attention back to Jack.
WALLACE
You let girls do all your talking,
Jack?
JACK
I speak for myself, but can I help
it if the ladies love me?
The gang moves closer, which threatens Jack.
WALLACE
They won't even recognize you after
we super chafe your face.
Jack is obviously scared and begins to cower away.
JACK
What do you guys want?
WALLACE
What do we want? We want what
every blackhead wants. Equality!
WASHINGTON
Speak it brother!
WALLACE
Representation!
WABINSKI
Shout it to the heavens!
WALLACE
And everlasting freedom from the
hegemony of pimple tyranny.
WAYNE
Hallelujah!
WALLACE
And we weary of the placating
pimple man; obfuscating the truth
with their diminutive, sallow
mendacity.
Everyone stops for a beat and looks confused.
WABINSKI
What are you talking about Wallace?
WAYNE
Yeah Wallace, I didn't quite catch
that either.
WASHINGTON
You need to restate your point and
be more succinct.
Wallace fumes over his communication problems.
WALLACE
Be more succinct? Damn Washington,
you need everything spelled out.
The Blackhead gang fights amongst themselves, while the girls
help Jack slink away without being noticed.
CUT TO:
4 EXT. VARIOUS SETTINGS 4
Following is a montage sequence of Jack moving between four
quick settings. First setting is similar to the previous
scene. The sky is hazy and Mt. Nostro is more visible.
JACK (V.O.)
Those blackheads are the worst.
Scrapping with dirtballs can really
make a zit appreciate the simple
things; hazy skies, Mt. Nostro...
CUT TO:
4A EXT. LIP RAVINE 4A
Jack is moving along the upper lip, which looks like a red
wall protecting pedestrians from the gaping maw that is
Raul's mouth. The mouth is dark and undefined.
JACK (CONT'D)
...And girls. They really helped
me out back there, especially
Mabel. She's so nice. Too bad
she's such a fat slut.
CUT TO:
4B EXT. HAIR FOREST 4B
Jack is scooting through a forest of thick hair strands, some
of which shoot chaotically from the skin. A fog rolls
through the forest and swishes behind Jack as he moves.
JACK (CONT'D)
Speaking of fat sluts, I really
shouldn't call Mom that anymore.
It's okay when Pop does it, but not
me.
CUT TO:
4C EXT. ZIT NEIGHBORHOOD 4C
Jack is walking on a street lined with zit houses. There is
some bustling suburban activity here and there.
JACK (CONT'D)
And things are going to be better
between Owen and me. I just might
have to try... a little harder.
Above shot of Jack walking down the street.
CUT TO:
5 INT. ZITT FAMILY AREA 5
Pop and Mom are spending a typical evening together. In the
distant background, the freeze gun can barely be seen dipping
up and down on the skin horizon.
MOM
It's late and Jack is still out.
I'm getting worried.
POP
You should be getting dinner ready.
Where's my pimple pot pie?
The gun moves closer behind them, but still goes unnoticed.
MOM
We need to wait for Jack.
POP
After that outburst today, he can
go live with his crazy furuncle
Chad for all I care.
The gun continues to move closer.
MOM
Oh honey, don't be so callous.
Jack is at a tender age right now
and can scar easily.
POP
Woman, he's almost fully grown.
Now quit treating him like a welt
and bring me my pie!
Mom ignores Pop's demand as the gun moves even closer still.
MOM
I can't help it. He'll always be
ingrown to me.
(Shivers audibly)
Is it getting nippy?
POP
No! And don't touch that dermostat.
You always keep it too damn hot.
The gun is pretty close now as Mom continues to shiver.
MOM
Seriously honey, it's freezing in
here. We're not cold sores, you
know.
Just then, Pop is nudged by a goosebump. The camera zooms
out to reveal dozens of bumps erupting all around them.
POP
Goosebumps! Something is terribly
wrong.
MOM
Pop Zitt, look out!
Pop turns around just in time to face the approaching gun.
He strikes a defiant pose before the gun descends upon him.
POP
I never got my pie!
Pop's P.O.V. shows the barrel of the gun coming down on him.
Behind the gun is Dr. Honeyrose's big, bulging eye. Mom
begins to scream off screen.
CUT TO:
5A INT. OWEN'S AREA 5A
Owen is alone, enjoying the recently taped up Play-Boil.
Mom's voice over scream continues as Owen's expression
quickly turns to extreme worry.
OWEN
Mom?
Owen frantically runs (running for zits means the character
tilts forward surrounded by anime motion lines) to his
mother's aid. He arrives, magazine in hand, just in time to
witness Mom sobbing and caressing Pop, who is frozen solid.
OWEN (CONT'D)
No, Pop!
In slow motion, the gun moves back up as Mom turns around and
waves her arms at Owen.
MOM
(Slow motion)
Run Owen! Run!
Still in slow motion, Mom looks up just as a big zit gun
comes down from the sky and freezes her in a dramatic pose.
Owen screams traumatically, snapping the scene out of slow
motion and back to real-time. He runs to the front door.
CUT TO:
5B EXT. OUTSIDE THE ZITT FAMILY HOME 5B
Jack returns from his walk and approaches the front door.
JACK
Ah, home at last.
Before Jack can open the door, it flies open and Owen bursts
through. He is still screaming with wild abandon when he
recklessly bumps into Jack and drops the magazine. Without
looking back, Owen continues to scoot and scream his way off
screen. Jack picks up the magazine and looks mildly annoyed.
JACK (CONT'D)
Hey, what's going on? Owen, it's
okay. We can look at it together
if you want.
Jack shrugs and moves through the doorway.
CUT TO:
5C INT. ZITT FAMILY AREA 5C
Jack enters and sees his smoldering, frozen parents. Solemn
music plays over a slow pan to Jack's shocked face. He
whimpers and slowly approaches his parents. There's a brief
pause as he stares at the figures before erupting into a gut
wrenching fit and embracing them both. Unable to withstand
the hug's pressure, the frozen zits collapse on themselves,
shattering into several big, sharp pieces. Jack picks up a
shard of his mother's frozen face and kisses it gently.
JACK (CONT'D)
Oh, forgive me mother...
Jack clutches his Mom's facial shard and looks up as he
quotes Henry V.
JACK (CONT'D)
The devil take order now. I'll to
the throng. Let life be short,
else shame will be too long.
Off Jack's sobbing expression, we...
IRIS OUT.
THE END
copyright © 2004 Mess Enterprises.